Do you ever feel like you’re faking it?
Every day I’m fortunate to interact with talented people from all over the world. (Thank you, interwebz).
One common thread too many of us share: a sense that perhaps we’re not quite good enough.
Self-deprecation can oil social connections – but it also costs each of us something important.
I’m shocked all over again when I talk to someone I admire and learn she doesn’t think herself as impressive as I do. And I laugh and say: “We need a support group to keep building each other up! Because you’re amazing, even if you don’t think so”.
Imposter Syndrome – are you faking it?
Have you heard about imposter syndrome? Lately, I’ve been thinking about it often.
Psychologists Suzanne Imes, Ph.D., and Pauline Rose Clance, Ph.D., first identified the problem. It happens when successful people can’t accept their own success. They credit luck, not talent or hard work. And they live in fear of being found out.
It seems this happens more often with women. According to an article in The Guardian, imposter syndrome – not family demands – may be the driver when successful women opt for less ambitious goals. Too often, smart, talented people aren’t sharing those gifts fully – because they’re certain they don’t have much to offer. And because they’re desperately afraid to be found out as frauds.
Does this sound at all familiar to you?
It struck me that my own hesitation ends up being selfish. Because I downplay my own experience and skills, I share less of it with others.
That doesn’t only affect my own career – it can impact the organizations I work with. And that’s not a good thing!
So, what to do?
Much of what I’ve read suggests mentors can be helpful. (Although, sometimes high-powered female mentors only increased the imposter anxiety in their mentees.)
Margie Warrell, in a Forbes article, suggests the following:
- Don’t focus on perfection. Look at the value you bring. Your best doesn’t have to be THE best.
- Take credit for your own achievements. They didn’t happen by chance.
- Stop comparing yourself to other people. That comparison is “an act of violence against oneself” according to author Iyanla Vanzant.
- Be brave. Risk that exposure.
Look, learning begins with mistakes.
If we don’t allow ourselves to make them, how do we learn? And if you raise money for a nonprofit, you know that you MUST take chances. You have to test, all the time, to succeed. For a nonprofit, standing still is usually another way to describe a slow death. Grow or die.
Being aware of what you don’t know can be an asset.
Don’t think of it as failing – think of it as an opportunity to learn. (People who are sure they already know it all seldom do and stop learning). Don’t stay safely with what you already know. Push yourself a bit all the time. “What can I learn today? What can I learn from this?”
And it seems to me we could be more generous in supporting other people, especially those who might not see their own worth. It’s amazing what a kind word can do!
Worth reading: my friend Clare McDowall touches on this in her piece on the old boys club.
Mary, wish you could have seen me vigorously nodding my head as I read this!
Diana
I think there are more of us than we’d ever suspect, Diana. Thanks!
Mary – very insightful piece. I encourage my fundraising colleagues to keep track of the milestones they achieve during the year…for a few reasons. One, its good to have that record of wins during the annual review. Its also good, and more important, to record the wins for personal and professional development. Often times the missed shots are at the forefront whereas the wins are set aside. I am now known as the odd cheerleader in the development department because I want my team to know that the grant application, awarded loan, or proposal is valued (and of course my team reminds me to take note of my own wins when I surely forget my own milestones).
Like you said, there is an underrated blessing in the missed shots as well. I had a basketball coach who used to say “that was a good miss” after my shot flew over the backboard. I looked at him sideways (thinking he was being sarcastic) and he replied with “as soon as you let that ball go I could tell you knew it was not what you wanted…you know how you would adjust next time you had the same shot”. We cant grow if we become too scared to take that next shot (a lesson all managers should apply to themselves and their teams).
As an African American minority in the Texas nonprofit sector I can relate to your note about females within the context of this blog. When milestones are achieved and when shots are made I feel like my skill set is validated to be on par with the sector but I catch myself deflecting the credit for all the reasons you describe. I once deflected to a colleague and he replied “dude, I just prepared the postage…you did all the work on the proposal!”.
Thanks for the awesome post.
Thank you! And thank you for doing that – we all need to support one another. I appreciate you – and your comment.
Mary,
Interesting piece. I guess I could be a member of that club, but to honest, I prefer to be, and would rather work with individuals who are humble than with those who take credit for than they are really worth. I would rather share credit for my successes with those that helped with the effort than build myself up. Perhaps it is my religious background or just natural humility, I really can’t say.
I will say that I do take responsibility for my mistakes, but I value them as learning experiences. Being a former teacher, I know that you learn more from mistakes than you do from success. I also know that I do know a lot about a lot of subjects when it comes to development practices, but I will never call myself an expert, since I feel that there is always more to learn. I will let others do that if they feel it is right.
Totally get that. And I wish more people were as focused on bringing everyone up than putting themselves forward. It’s how I am, too.
But this isn’t about being boastful, or claiming credit for others’ work. It’s not about grabbing attention. It is about being fully who you are and really using the talents you have. Not hiding your light under a bushel.
And, I hope, helping other people shine their own light as well.