Saving the world, losing your mind… does that sound familiar to you?
The Association of Fundraising Professionals says 75% of fundraisers are women.
and
A Harvard Business School study shows that however lofty her professional position, family issues are still seen as a woman’s problem.
(Speed reading? An article in Slate summarizes the information contained in the HBS study).
Go skim the Slate article at the least. I’ll wait.
The thing is, women and men are different. But culture has its say, too.
You see where I’m going, right?
We still expect women to hold down the fort at home while raising enough money to feed the mission at work. So it’s no surprise the top jobs, and the top pay, still go to men. For most women, there are too many compromises to make that top job a reality.
I’m not claiming my male colleagues don’t feel stressed. Many are the ones running home to care for family now. And what we – all of us – do is inherently stressful. If we don’t succeed, someone might miss a needed meal, or a chance at a home, or even a cure for a terrible disease.
But culturally, women are still usually the ones held responsible for the well-being of their families. (And people without children may still have parents or other family who need them.) All of which makes it particularly tough for those of us in the nonprofit sector.
Our “real world” friends might rest easy on a Friday night, able to sleep without worrying about the whachamathingers their company produces during the week.
Work-life balance is a little harder when our work so directly affects our organization’s survival, and more importantly, our mission.
It’s too easy to have work and life bleed into one another. The boundaries get hard to find. We leave at 4 but put in another 3 hours at night. We spend our free time reading about our trade. We check our phones to see how the last email is doing. We run out of the office to take care of a family emergency. We schedule meetings with donors on Sunday afternoons. It’s all part of the job.
Still, our work has tremendous emotional benefits that whachamathingers could never provide.
But how can we stay sane long enough to do good work?
I’m not even going to pretend I have the answer for you. I left my development director position to consult for nonprofit organizations. But I also left because being my own boss meant working on my own terms, and around the needs of my family. Believe me, I don’t claim to be anyone’s role model!
First, we need to be more aware of the pressure and ready to support one another. Knowing you’re not alone can help. Having a friend or colleague reinforce your confidence or praise your skills can make a tough week more manageable.
We need to stand up for one another in the larger sense, too. Why does our culture still expect women to handle most of the home and child care? How can we change that attitude? It’s not going to change without us. (Sharing those duties is likely to make for happier, more balanced men as well. Too many don’t even realize what they’ve missed!)
Care for yourself so you can do your important work
In the meantime, self-care matters. Here are some ideas I’m trying to take to heart. And regardless of your gender, maybe they’ll help you, as well.
Writing for Huffington Post, Kris Carr suggests:
Disappoint people. In short, guilt happens. Try to let it go.
Keep emails and meetings short. No explanation needed, right? We all spend way too much time talking instead of doing.
Hit delete. You don’t have to respond to every email. She suggests putting an away message on when you need to work, explaining that you may not respond. Then hit delete.
Let them judge. Spending time living up to other people’s standards just hurts you.
You don’t need to fix people. I suspect this one is tough for all of us in the nonprofit world. But it’s not our job to fix everyone – especially people who haven’t even asked to be fixed.
Trust. Other people are also capable. Trust them.
You can’t give it all. Perfection isn’t attainable. Sometimes good enough has to be good enough. (Wisdom is in knowing which is which, I think).
You can’t have it all. You can do a lot. You can achieve a lot. But don’t kid yourself – there are always choices to be made. Accept that.
You are worthy just sitting still. Take time to just be present. (I had a boss once who would bark at us “What have you done today to justify your existence?!” I think he was joking. I’m still not sure. And, unfortunately, that message is still alive and well in my subconscious. Someday I’ll beat it.)
I hope you find the time to take care of yourself so you can take care of the world. Your hard work, your sacrifices, and your late nights are not unnoticed.
This is amazing!
Thanks, Helen!
I’m one of those minority fundraising professionals: a guy. Despite that, I thoroughly enjoyed your post and personally found value in it. Before we can help others, we need to take care of and respect yourselves. Well done!
Thank you, Michael. I surely didn’t want to sound exclusionary – I know we ALL work hard. But there are definitely cultural biases still at work. I appreciate your comment!
I know that our culture has a huge role to play in all of this – how there’s still the expectation that women should the burden for family care – but to me, that’s the biggest thing that has to change. And even if it doesn’t change fast enough overall, women & their partners in life need to work out a different arrangement. The role of men needs to continue to change as well, to take on more of the hour-by-hour responsibilities of family care.
Yes – I think it’s less a men vs women thing and more a cultural shift that needs to happen for everyone’s benefit. We’d be better, happier, more productive people all around if childcare wasn’t a burden to be shared but a joy to be celebrated by the whole family. So long as work is central, that’s not likely to happen.
Thanks, Paul.
Mary, I understand what you mean when you write that childcare shouldn’t be considered a “burden” but rather a “joy” to be celebrated. However, there’s another option: not having children. We need to get over the idea that having children is automatically a desirable thing that all couples should aspire to. I’ve seen many bad parents and absentee parents; that’s not good for the parents, the children, or society. Unless people are willing to truly commit to their children and can afford to raise them, they should not have any.
The planet certainly does not need more people. When I was born just over 50 years ago, the Earth’s human population was 3 billion; today, the world’s human population is over 7 billion! By 2050, the world population is projected to rise to 9.3 billion. This rate of population growth is not sustainable. Food and water scarcity will be problems made worse by this population growth. The runaway population growth will also make it more difficult to solve the global warming problem.
Yes, those couples who choose to have children should share responsibility for the family. However, couples should not automatically try to have it all simply because it’s perceived as being the “thing to do.” As a culture, we have to say that it’s okay, even preferable, for folks to not have children.
Life is about the choices we make. We should make those choices deliberately. As you’ve said, we can’t have it all. So, we need to get better at prioritizing in life and in the moment.
Whether or not one has children, you’ve provided some good survival tips.